It’s not even funny how relevant this is at this moment in my life.
Still not sure if this is a good or bad thing yet.
That shit feels so good lol.
My night has been made and I’m just gonna go… Text until I knock. Good night Tumblr.
I told you I wasn’t stupid. I be knowing bruh.
I’m not though. I have been, a lot of times in my life. But I’m not so stupid anymore. I know by leaving the ball in your court you have the ability to talk to or ignore me. The fact that you’re doing the latter is not easy to overlook. But I know you pretty well; I know you think you’re helping me. You don’t think I can handle just fucking you without the relationship. Honestly, fuck a relationship though. With you, definitely, but with anyone else either. I want to be able to connect with you physically and on some mental levels but that emotion shit is for the birds. But you don’t think that’s possible. So I think that you think you’re helping me get over you by your lack of communication or by hiding from me and not letting me see you.
I’m tired of fighting you. I’m tired of fighting FOR you. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I’m not WORTH shit. It makes me feel like our sex doesn’t even mean to you what it used to.
It’s also making it terribly easy to stop WANTING more. Why would I even want to be with someone who can’t even hit me up and talk to me? Lol, I don’t know many men who would pass up occasional sex with no obligations, no questions, no demands. But you are. So kudos.
Because you’re right. You are helping me. So thank you.
The state in which I live. Every day is new. I am not the same person today, that I was yesterday. It’s impossible to be the exact same person from day to day. We grow older, physically, by 24 hours and mentally as well. Nothing we believe in has the ability to be infalsifiable. Shit happens and we think differently. We lose and gain perspective every fucking day. I’m changing and losing and gaining every fucking day. I am letting shit go and allowing shit to happen. I’m not making indefinite plans but letting life take me where it has to take me. I’m trying not to blame everyone from singular events in my life but I’m also not stupid enough to hold the same truths I believed in before near and dear to me.
I’m letting go but holding on to my fundamentals. I’m caring about myself first and not anyone else. I’m doing things without regret because, fuck it, I’m only 20 and no one can upload experience into my flash drive of life.
I’m chillin. And it’s not the easiest thing in the world but its way easier than tryna plan and control because those things are IMPOSSIBLE. I’m learning and changing and growing and hurting and healing all at the very same time.
I think this is some shit to be proud of.